Rumors are circulating of a strange synergy developing between two Pacers, Semi Ojeleye and Justin Patton. Apparently, the two athletes just bought matching mansions on the same Indianapolis cul-de-sac. This, after signing matching max contracts this offseason, has unleashed a flurry of rumors surrounding the glitch in the matrix that created these near identical life trajectories. The parallels include:
-near identical ratings:
.................SCR PAS HDL ORB DRB DEF BLK DI
Patton: ..67 . 66 . 51 . 68 . 67 . 67 . 57 . 71
Ojeleye: 63 . 65 . 56 . 64 . 67 . 67 . 54 . 71
-24 years old
-play Forward
-signed 4 year, $58M contracts this offseason
-grew up in Nebraska/Kansas (which are both cornfields)
-put up 15 ppg, 7 rpg last season
-have the legit same hair style
-wear matching sneaker colors on gameday
-hate yellow skittles
-think godfather II is the best of the trilogy
-dont fuck with Michael Porter's weird cult-like beliefs
The similarities have apparently rubbed some players the wrong way, even leading to one individual to seek answers from the front office. Michael Porter Jr, a known conspiracy theorist, has begun to question whether the front office is planning to create a team of Cornfield Cyborgs. MPJ, who thought this was going to be his team, has apparently been in talks with the front office to get him out of Indiana before the franchise turns him into a third member of the Brotherhood of Corn. Whether this will actually amount to a trade remains to be seen.
In the meantime, Patton and Ojeleye continue to go about their offseason as normal, buying matching boats to take their beautiful, identical wives out onto Lake Michigan. When asked about the similarities, Justin and Semi put down their beers and responded in unison: "We are happy here in Indiana. Won't you join us?" Our reporter subsequently fled the scene and has been missing since.
"We are happy here. Won't you join us?"
Some have begun to wonder whether the matching hairstyle is an homage to a bushel of corn, which has been elevated to near-deity status in the Pacer locker room. Frankly it's hard to blame them:
